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Lemur therapy

11th October 2004, mid-morning | Comments (35)

Despite the tide of liberalism that has swept across Britain in recent years, certain things remain taboo in my home country. Get caught shagging a badger, cooling your genitals in the ice cream freezers at Safeway, or spitting on old people, and you can expect not only a stern punishment from the bods in charge, but also the scorn of your fellow countrymen. There are many such socially unacceptable behaviours, but one stands out beyond any other as a sordid and disgusting act within which to engage; and that is the act of ‘therapy’.

For the last twenty-nine years the strict conservative standards of my country have, to a great extent, kept me shielded from this deplorable practice. Occasionally I’d see some ‘therapy’ in action on a late-night American film or TV show, but that was as close I got to the real thing: scalded, but not burnt, so to speak. Unfortunately, as a newly-minted California resident, Britain's moral-shield is no longer there for me to hide behind. My recent move to the West coast of America has left me wide open to the scourge of ‘therapy’, potentially exposing me to it at every turn. Parties, in particular, seem to be the worst places, where I live in constant fear of introductions:

Josh, this is Dunstan, he’s a web developer from Engerland. Dunstan, this is Josh, he’s a little messed up in the brain department and cries every time he sees the colour mauve, but it’s okay, because he’s in therapy, you know?

Know? No, I don’t know. What do I say to him? Can I speak to him normally? Will he spazz out and try to hug my foot if I mention his therapy? I’m alarmed.

Personally I’d rather deal with the badger-shagger.

All together now

If therapy is a sordid concept to the British, ‘group therapy’ is viewed as a sort of obscene sporting attraction, the kind of thing that should appear on early morning satelitte TV:

2.30am
Hot-House Midget Stroking, from Alabama, USA
3am
World Series All-Hands Shoot’em Up Poker, from Las Vegas, USA
5am
Group Therapy Showcase, from Tinsel Town, USA

Despite all this, the one redeaming feature both one-on-one and group therapy share is that they are relatively private affairs; they take place behind closed doors with only the clients and the therapist being present. What seems to be becoming more popular in the area of San Francisco that I live in is a sort of public, free-form, open-air, all-you-can-eat jazz therapy, involving a lunatic, a therapist, and a coffee shop.

Three times now I’ve sat and listened as these informal therapy sessions kick into life at tables beside me. Each time I’ve been unaware of the content of the conversation, until an odd word has lodged in my brain and made me pay closer attention. Take this conversation, for example, which I noted down yesterday:

Looney
It’s getting to the point where I’m almost ready to call Cheril in, you know? I’m freaking out here!
Therapist
I know man, I know. All I’m saying is you know what you need to do, yeah? And you know that you need to do it, right?
Looney
Well it’s all very well saying that, but when he gets mad, you know, and we’re all yelling at him to calm down, and, well, have you ever lived with an angry lemur? It’s… I mean, have you?
Therapist
No man…
Looney
Because, like, they’re so tense that...
*sob*
I mean, what is a lemur, man? It’s not a monkey, you know, despite what you think, it’s not a monkey… and it’s hard, you know, having one in your house… man, I’m calling Cheril, I have to calm down.

I’m not sure what had been said before I started paying attention but I’m guessing that it was the word ‘lemur’ which kick-started my curiosity.

Later on…

Looney
I shouldn’t feel guilty you know, because it’s only two dollars and fifty cents, and even though she kept saying It’s mine, I’m like Oh, okay, whatever; just let me finish my movies, then I’d watch ‘em and then I’d start the next batch and she’d be like Hey! Where’s my two dollars and fifty cents, man?! and I’d just sit there and watch the movies.
Now you might think that sounds horrible, but to a certain extent, it rocked, you know, because I was watching movies, and she was yelling, and I was watching my movies, and that fucking lemur was nowhere, man, No. Fucking. Where.

…You know, not a day goes by when I don't pat myself on the back for coming to live in California. From England, Land of Hope and Glory, to America, Land of Lunacy and Lemurs. Bravo, Dunstan.

Footnote: More information on Lemurs can be found here and here and here. And he’s right, Lemur’s aren’t monkeys. How about that.

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Comments (35)

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  1. Rob Mientjes:

    "Get caught shagging a badger, cooling your genitals in the ice cream freezers at Safeway, or spitting on old people, and you can expect not only a stern punishment from the bods in charge, but also the scorn of your fellow countrymen."
    It's not much better in the Netherlands, my man.

    Oh, but lemurs rock. So this post shouldn't make people think that lemurs are in some way associated with loonies.

    And I'm not the last person to say that your move to America was one of brilliance, splendor and high intelligence. : )

    Posted 19 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Turnip
  2. Rich:

    Oh man. I think an acronym is in order. ROFL. That has been the most amusing thing I have read in weeks.

    Posted 21 minutes after the fact
  3. Turnip:

    The Netherlands?!?!?! From over here in ye olde englande, people tend to thing of the holland as a place where you go to get stoned, pissed, and then laid, all on the same night. Although, I saw a program that Jeremy Clarkeson (what a dude) did on Holland ages ago, and it seemed pretty diverse actually. Most of the "image" of Holland probably comes from Amsterdam.

    In response to the post: You're a very funny guy Dunstan :). Have you ever seen that program sometimes on channel 5 late at night called "The world's wildest police videos"? It's crazy... And by "The world", I'm pretty sure they mean "America and occasionally we'll let Aussie come too".

    Posted 26 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Rob Mientjes
    Inspired: ↓ Rob Mientjes
  4. Rob Mientjes:

    "... a place where you go to get stoned, pissed, and then laid, all on the same night"

    Never happened to me on one night, and I've lived here for over 16 years. Probably Amsterdam. Those people from Amsterdam tend to suck, you know.

    Posted 30 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Turnip
    Inspired: ↓ Turnip, ↓ Arthur!
  5. Turnip:

    "Those people from Amsterdam tend to suck, you know."

    Probably because most of them are tourists that have come there to get stoned ;).

    Posted 46 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Rob Mientjes
    Inspired: ↓ Arthur!
  6. Rushi Vishavadia:

    "Josh, this is Dunstan, he’s a web developer from Engerland. Dunstan, this is Josh, he’s a little messed up in the brain department and cries every time he sees the colour mauve, but it’s okay, because he’s in therapy, you know?"

    I am from India and everytime I get introduced people say "He is an Indian" and living in the United States as an Indian makes people assume you are a Native American Indian which garners some rather special interest than being from the land of the Kamasutra.

    Posted 1 hour, 2 minutes after the fact
  7. CEB:

    I believe the enjoyment factor of different parts of Holland can be measured in 'cps', that's 'Coffee-shops per street'

    Posted 1 hour, 31 minutes after the fact
  8. Gabriel Mihalache:

    Do NOT bad-mouth therapy. I don't know what you've witnessed but it's a serious medical profession, one that help me greatly with my problems (no lemurs involved, just plain-old-life-wrecking anxiety disorder). I don't want to lament here, but psychiatrists are great professionals.

    You ARE right in saying that it has become some sort of a pop phenomenon, but that doesn't mean that there aren't cases where it doesn't do a great deal of good... so there, Mr. Smarty-Pants! (ironically, you don't use SmartyPants, the MT plugin, as far as I can see... no MT either)

    Posted 1 hour, 34 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Matthew
  9. Paul Griffin:

    "If it weren't for my horse..."

    Very Lewis Black-esque.

    Now, to prevent aneurysms, I will frequently ask people what they're talking about:

    Me: "Sorry to interrupt, but did you just say 'my bobcat got out'?"

    Bobcat owner: "Yeah, I got two of 'em. Raised 'em from kittens. Why?"

    Me: "Why on earth... Oh, never mind. I don't want to know."

    Also, to find out what exactly that strange creature is that is roaming around their back porch:

    Me: "Excuse me, is that a prairie dog?"

    Prairie Dog Owner: "Wow, you're the first person who knew what this thing was!"

    Me: "Why... Oh, never mind. I don't want to know."

    I'm not sure why these things seem to revolve constantly around exotic animals, but then again, I do live in Florida, where people often try to keep alligators as pets. I can certainly see why people try, given the typical gator's cuddly exterior and sterling personality...

    Posted 1 hour, 38 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Joe Clay
  10. Kitta:

    First you had an encounter with some lesbians, then a flock of gay men attacked you, and now you’re overhearing jazz therapy sessions... You'll probably need a therapist soon to deal with all the strange situations that you've been in Dunstan. ;o)

    Now, remind me again why I should visit America?

    Posted 1 hour, 54 minutes after the fact
  11. Bryan:

    Kitta - you're right, you shouldn't visit America. It's just one big gayfest featuring midgets in thongs playing poker....www.terragalleria.com/america/

    peace

    Posted 2 hours, 39 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan, ↓ Pascal, ↓ Kitta
  12. Dunstan:

    Damn, those midgets are good at photography!

    Thanks for pointing us at those pictures, Bryan, I'm going to have a good nose through them :o)

    Posted 2 hours, 46 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Bryan
  13. Matthew:

    I'm sure you have to take what Dunstan says with a pinch of salt - I also know that therapy can be a great help yet (like you, I'd imagine) I found this entry hilarious. "Will he spazz out and try to hug my foot if I mention his therapy?" You have an amazing sense of humour :)

    Oh, and your comment spell checker (which I've just discovered) has just possibly jumped to the top of my "Current Coolest Things" list.

    Posted 3 hours, 17 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Gabriel Mihalache
  14. Lee:

    I have a long standing feeling about why there are far fewer Brits in therapy than (by movie and TV standards alone) our US brethren: Pubs.

    When British men get wound up to the point that they need to talk to someone, they go down the pub. You find a mate, head down the boozer, grab a pint and moan about anything and everything until you can whine no more, all the time with said mate nodding and adding 'I know.' It's simple, it's cheap, it keeps us all sane.

    In fact, I think that's why the Brits moan at large. Try it.

    So, my fellow American males, find a pub (or a bar), a mate, and save the therapy bills.

    Posted 4 hours, 26 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Karan, ↓ Matt Wilcox
  15. Pascal:

    Indeed, those are some great pictures over there!

    Still the killer: "Get caught shagging a badger, cooling your genitals in the ice cream freezers at Safeway, or spitting on old people, and you can expect not only a stern punishment from the bods in charge, but also the scorn of your fellow countrymen."

    Nice sense of humor. Love it.

    edit: The Spell-Checker is golden.

    Posted 4 hours, 51 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Bryan
  16. Karan:

    Too right. Australians don't have anywhere near the American fixation with therapy either, and I'd just put that down to a good old fashioned moan at the pub for the guys, and some good gossip sessions for the girls (I presume).

    You really have to wonder sometimes at the Americans and their love for therapy. It might help, sure, but how come the rest of the world isn't anywhere near as much into it?

    Posted 6 hours, 5 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Lee
  17. David Barrett:

    "Unfortunately, as a newly-minted California resident"

    Dude, does this mean you've emigrated fully?

    Posted 6 hours, 28 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Dunstan
  18. Ryan:

    I might be way off, but I think therapy is a result of our ingrained Puritan. If you display the slightest bit of difference you offend people who try to be like everyone else. Thus the idea of therapy is forced on us, because no one wants their dirty laundry displayed (even though it might be healthier). I could be just full of it though...I also think prescription drugs are way over used as therapy. Garden State hit the nail on the head with that one.

    Posted 6 hours, 45 minutes after the fact
  19. Dunstan:

    *keeps quiet for now*

    Posted 6 hours, 53 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ David Barrett
  20. Nicolas:

    "America, Land of Lunacy and Lemurs"

    Can't. Stop. Laughing. That was a hilarious entry!

    PS: Lemurs are cute!

    PPS: According to the Grandiloquent Dictionary (http://www.islandnet.com/~egbird/dict/dict.htm), the fear of the colour purple is known as "porphyrophobia".

    PPPS: Huh. American spell-checker doesn't recognize the British or Canadian spelling of "colour".

    Posted 11 hours, 11 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ David Barrett
  21. Gray Fordy:

    Stan wrote,
    "Occasionally I’d see some ‘therapy’ in action on a late-night American film or TV show"

    Occasionally!!!! Now come on Stan, I think it only fair to say that during the final year of your degree you spent a huge amount of time infront of my tele watching Jerry Springer. Infact, if memory serves me well, you acknowledged him at the front of your dissertation for keeping you amused during work breaks.

    Posted 12 hours, 32 minutes after the fact
  22. Matt Wilcox:

    *Raises pint of Guinness* Here here. To friends and pubs :)

    Posted 14 hours, 31 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Lee
  23. Toby S.:

    Are you leaving good old England Dunstan?

    Posted 16 hours after the fact
  24. Andy Budd:

    Therapy Shmerapy!

    It's just a bunch of angst ridden, self obsessives whining about how hard their lives are because their parents didn't love then enough to buy them a pony.

    Wake up. Get a life and get over it. There are people in this world with real problems so I really don't care if the guy at Starbucks never gives you enough foam in your Latte.

    Oh, and while I'm in rant mode, I really detest the trade in 'exotics' so a bunch of well off western yuppies can show off their individuality by having a pet who's parents were clubbed to death in the wild for 50 cents. It doesn't make you look like the guy out of friends and it never will.

    http://www.ifaw.org/

    Posted 16 hours, 42 minutes after the fact
    Inspired: ↓ Bryan
  25. David Barrett:

    The Canadians spell colour the right way?

    That's another good reason to move there. *makes notes*

    Posted 17 hours, 52 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Nicolas
  26. Kitta:

    I knew it, you can't hide the midgets in thongs forever! Also thanks for the link. :o)

    Posted 19 hours, 33 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Bryan
    Inspired: ↓ David Barrett
  27. David Barrett:

    My dirty mind read that the wrong way, and I shuddered.

    Posted 21 hours, 10 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Kitta
  28. Chrispian:

    Hey, wait just a minute! I'm from Alabama and what I do with my midget is my own business!

    Posted 22 hours, 23 minutes after the fact
  29. Bryan:

    Andy -

    Your view on therapy seems to be a rather convenient one in that it doesn't appear you are in need of it. Are there cases where people pursue it as nothing more than a way to feed their own narcissistic needs? Sure.

    However, there is a whole separate audience which includes paranoid schizophrenia, severe anxiety disorder, manic depression, etc. whose issues run a hell of a lot deeper than "daddy love me" and Starbucks. You obviously have ZERO experience with someone with serious mental/emotional disorders who are desperate to try anything that may help. Consider yourself lucky. Oh, and by the way, this isn't an "American thing."

    Couldn't agree more on your take on lemurs/exotics, however.

    peace

    Posted 23 hours, 9 minutes after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Andy Budd
    Inspired: ↓ Andy Budd
  30. Arthur!:

    Believe me, you *can* get drunk, stoned, laid and possibly arrested all in one night. That's Amsterdam for you baby.

    Though I will have to remark that it's mostly tourists that go through this cycle, not the Dutch themselves.

    Posted 1 day after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Rob Mientjes, ↑ Turnip
  31. Gareth:

    I still have a copy of that 'Acknowledgements' page of Dunstan's thesis, and would've posted it on here if it would've accepted attachments... True genius it was...

    Posted 1 day, 15 hours after the fact
  32. Andy Budd:

    Bryan –

    My brother is a Dr of Physiology and works for an NHS mental health trust dealing with people who have chronic schizophrenia. I see a huge difference between going to see a psychologist for medical reasons because they have been referred to one by a GP, and going to see a 'therapist' to help you deal with your middle class angst. Hence my comment about people in the world with real problems.

    And as far as I can tell, it pretty much is an "American thing", for the moment at least. In the UK, most Psychologists work for the NHS and their patients are referred to them by a Doctor on medical grounds. There is a very small market for self help, consumer 'therapy' but it's so small as to be insignificant. It strikes me that the US is unique in the fact that is has a huge and well established consumer psychotherapy market that is completely removed from medical practice. I don't know any other countries that have the same fixation on 'therapy' but please let me know if you do.

    Posted 1 day, 16 hours after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Bryan
    Inspired: ↓ Bryan
  33. Bryan:

    Andy - Agreed. I see the same "huge difference", however I guess I'm not as ready to determine the line where seeing "a psychologist for medical reasons" crosses over into an American fixation on dealing with middle class angst.

    So be it.

    By the way, saw your HK photos, very nice.

    peace

    Posted 1 day, 22 hours after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Andy Budd
  34. Gareth:

    Andy Bud - I think you need to be a little more specific old fellow. Not all psychologists work for the NHS at all. Granted, a lot of clinical psycs do, but there are a hell of a lot of us with other specialisms that don't.

    There are still a lot of 'counsellors' that offer the same sort of stuff that Dunstan refers to over here, usually in private practice.

    Both those specialisms are therapeutic in nature and help to relieve stress or an underlying problem that creates it. I on the other hand create stress and then describe it...

    Posted 2 days, 15 hours after the fact
  35. Joe Clay:

    Wow, I was wondering if someone else would get how Lewis Blackian this was. And I, too, live in Florida. Maybe it's a Florida thing?

    BTW, there are some stupid people here (in FL that is).

    Posted 1 month, 3 weeks after the fact
    Inspired by: ↑ Paul Griffin

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